2012 had ups and downs for me. I felt weak, confused, lost, childish, sad, and all sorts of low feelings. Contrarily, I have had my moments of certainty, transforming growth, strength, happiness, and all sorts of high feelings. I cannot count it as a bad year, since 1) It was the year of the Dragon (my year), 2) I learned a lot from some of the worst times, and 3) I still have a ton of things to be grateful for.
I want to share some of my biggest lessons, and in doing so, I want to prepare you for my unashamed honesty.
In my experience, marriage takes a relationship to a more serious level, and serious is a challenge for silly people. I have felt so scared during this first year, that at times running away seemed easier then staying. At first when I was scared, I kept it to myself... I can tell you that is the wrong choice. Then I would go to my closest friends.. maybe better than keeping it inside, but ultimately, I needed to face up to my husband.
My name change was hard to get used to initially. "Cottrell" was a bigger part of my identity than I had realized. It still is and there is no change in name that could separate me from that part of myself, however, it is not what defines me. Beyond my name, I had lost touch with myself. I had to ask myself, "who am I" more times than I care to calculate. I anticipate more identity challenges to come, but I am not scared. When I finally realized that I needed to be open and honest about some things, it became incredibly clear that my happiness was more important than anything else to my husband, including our marriage. His ability to see me as beautiful no matter what is his way of breathing a life-giving breath into my spirit. I have an incredible partner and ally, who deserves honesty and trust (... and the moon if I had the power to throw that in there). I have learned a lot about love from him and have more to learn still. One thing is for sure, it is damn strong.
Art is incredibly important to me (sort of like dancing). I can't keep myself from drawing, painting, writing, and doing what makes me happy. Excuses to drop the thing that I love and am passionate about are unhealthy. This is a personal challenge. No one that loves you can force you to get back into the habit of your passion, even though they may be fully aware that there is a problem. So this lesson has been to stop making excuses. I work full time, but that does not mean that I do not have time for myself. I might really hate a drawing or a story that I started, but starting is a hundred times more productive than deciding to not start.
Wording is extremely important.
I prefer fairies and spirit guides, meditation, and Spirit to angels, prayer, and God.
Guilt arises from an unhealthy relationship with our past. I do not think we remember so that we can let our thoughts linger on our mistakes. Our memory is a tool we should use to learn from and to move onward and upward from, but sometimes it can be a big pest that keeps us from focusing on the present. There would be no now without a then, but that does not change that now is more important than then, because we have power Now.
I wish that I were better at closing these sometimes... I do have to say that it is quite difficult to be open and honest in the form of a blog, because there is this slight fear of being judged. However, I have received a lot of positive support from this place and in fact, have missed the whole process. 2013 is off to a really great start for me, and I genuinely hope that it is for everyone. Even if it has not started well, it has started, and if you listen to your heart and follow your intuition (and dance) it will get better.
