Connecting my
life’s pieces sometimes feels so odd. I don’t always want to look back on who I
once was because I feel so very changed from that person. Not that I was awful or anything, just a bit naïve (in a good way). It is funny for me to remember just how
excitedly I dreamed about who I would be when I “grew up” always looking forward
to the person I would eventually become.. That girl knew that everything would
be alright in the future, because she knew that there was a strong head on her shoulders. I was my own comfort. Sometimes the reason I don't want to think about my past is because of that optimistic and always happy little girl... I don't want to let her down. I don't want to let myself down.
I currently experience waves of love, and well... not so much love for my job. It doesn't always feel balanced. When I get to work at the coffee shop, I could potentially zombie through my day (zombie is being used as a verb-deal with it), and I have in the past...that's sort of how I learned that I don't like feeling like a zombie. So, in my opinion, it is necessary that I do things to prove that I am alive and not a zombie. Thinking about what makes me happy and what I am grateful for helps to keep me grounded. I don't always have the strength of mind to keep it up though, because I have experienced/am experiencing a departure from worry-free childhood and arrival into the confusing land of self-discovery, doubt, curiosity, wisdom/knowledge seeking, and soul
searching. I have mind exploding revelations some days, while on others all that I think about is how rude someone was when they ordered their non-fat latte and how unfair it is that people call out from their shifts last minute leaving me to figure it out somehow all on my own (boohoo). A lot of my thoughts are paired
with a tall glass of worry (when what I really need to be drinking more of is... water). Sometimes I even worry about how much I worry...ok..
I would prefer to not have to answer to "so what are you going to do next" as often as I do, but it's sort of an occupational hazard-much like coffee burns and caffeine overdose- because I work at the college that I went to and often see my old professors (sometimes in zombie mode) who want to know if I am continuing, in some way, with my chosen area of study. Being asked so often about what the next big move is, I have been inclined to think that one over and over, as if I didn't have enough to think about already, to the point where I have lost sleep over the damn question (and I really like sleep, so that's rough). My answer is perhaps not satisfactory to everyone. I don't really know what the next BIG move is for me, but I am pretty much okay with where I am at present. I am not perfect. I am not settled. I don't have everything figured out. I don't think many of us do. AND though, I may not exactly be the same girl I once was and haven't quite grown into who the little girl dreamed I would be, I am still a die-hard optimist and I still believe in myself. I do things that I am passionate about (i.e. writing, blogging, drawing, taking baths, reading, eating, shopping, hanging out with family).
If you want to shake it up, you must work to undo routine (or more specifically the parts of the routine that are easy to do and ultimately unsatisfying....if that makes sense). With a line out the door full of
disgruntled, tired, cranky college students and strung-out professors with one thing in common-a need to get caffeinated, it is up to the people at the register and the espresso bar to
get these potentially dangerous individuals their coffee as quickly as possible in order to protect the rest
of humanity, because who knows what they are capable of in that state. (Okay, so
I know that the real motive is not saving humanity, rather it's to get the rush over
and done with). What I have realized is that routine (hi, what can I get started for you, thanks, next, hi what can I get started for you, thanks....) makes it hard not to turn
into a zombie, but routine mixed with constant interactions with people who are already in a zombie state of mind makes it a
million times harder to not turn into a zombie. Because that sort of repetition/automatic approach takes the meaning out of what we are saying and doing. That being said, It is
super difficult to be human during a rush at a coffee shop. Think about it. A
line made up of mostly strangers and a crew that wants them out of their coffee shop as quickly as possible, so they can clean up the
mess that was just made. It can be tricky to remember that You must treat people like humans,
Not zombies! We must be careful too because we might not even realize that we are turning, as the change from human to zombie is as subtle and contagious as yawns. (one person
zombied, and there's another, and another, uh oh I am zombie-ing now). Our preventative strength for zombie take over is in our ability to stay focused... and that is harder to do than you would think (hey, look a butterfly... what was I blogging about again?) It is our ability to be present in our interactions with people.
Whether I am working my dream job or the job that helps me figure out my dreams, I choose to be an optimistic, art indulgent, counsel seeking human being.....not a zombie :)
