I find my new position to be a big time stress factor in my life. I know that I am fully capable of managing a coffee shop but this is not really moving me forward in any way. I absolutely hate being the person to cut people's hours, and ordering coffee and keeping track of inventory is not exactly a fulfilling task. It is what it is. It is becoming increasingly obvious to me that it is the type of job that you should not have to take home with you (... wish there was an off switch so that when I have to be in at work at 6am on Friday, I am not tossing and turning on Thursday night about getting my pastry order in by one the next day) and ever more obvious that I cannot help but bring it home. Matt has told me repeatedly that I need to stop letting everything get to me and that I am bothered too easily by my work life. I wonder when it will click and I will feel free after I clock out. In the meantime, I enjoy the weekends off although they pass too quickly for my long reading list.
Which brings me to what I am currently reading. The Hunger Games (forgive me for picking it up so late). The night before the Hunger Games start Peeta says "I don't want them to change me in there. Turn me into some kind of monster that I'm not...... I keep wishing I could think of a way to.. to show the Capitol they don't own me." Suddenly I am trying not to laugh aloud while I am reading this. This is all that I want out of a job, out of life. I want to be me. Not some phony who tells people "if you have time to lean, you have time to clean" or sends people home early when I can see in their eyes they really need the hours right now. My fear is the same as Peeta's only I am not a contestant in a death match. I know that is possible to be good at something even if you are not passionate about it, but if your heart is not in it (even though your performance reads as excellent) then you are still settling for mediocrity.
I think ultimately that my coming back has really lit a fire under my bum to start seeking rather than just accepting whatever opportunities fall into my lap. I think it is high time that I follow through with my passions. The quote "You miss one hundred percent of the shots you don't take" keeps flashing in my mind (and flashes all the brighter while I am watching the LA Kings in the playoffs). I will always love coffee, but I know that I prefer to be on the customer side of the counter. Once you have a realization or dream of what you want to be or how you want to live your life, you will be miserable if you settle for something rather than work to pursue that goal.
