I am a mom Write now!

     I am currently sitting at a desk situated in the corner of my parent's den that I have more or less commandeered as my own personal work space, though I do share it with my 7 year old niece. To my right is my story/inspiration board, a cork board spotted with images, quotes, and drawings that I found via Pinterest, my mother's magazines, and my own personal creations. On my lap, Knight, my 2 month old son, is half-napping half-nursing. I've been writing prior to this entry and, ultimately, feeling quite happy. I am not a particularly fast typer, and the one arm typing thing is really challenging, and yet I have been having fun.
     It is amazing to me how wonderful life is. I am sort of standing back in awe of it all. Most recently I became a mom, and from how people talk about parenthood (and particularly how a first time pregnant soon-to-be mama's interprets that talk), sometimes I am rattled, afraid that some part of myself will need to sacrificed due to this new role. I have so far been pleasantly surprised by the fact that it is still me who I see in the mirror. I do not feel like a stranger to myself rather I feel a deeper connection to my truest self and to my parents... and to mothers... and to anyone who is or ever was a child. It's beautiful!
     I do not think that becoming a parent has taken anything from me. It has only added to my identity (but not in the way that a money paying job, a hairstyle, or an institutionalized education certificate does) in the sense that personal experience (whether good or bad) grows us. Growth is the most natural human experience. That is what we do everyday in subtle ways or big ways. Sometimes we are aware of it, other times we aren't. Isn't that enough to put us in awe of LIFE. (Okay, so I'm on a writer's high Write now! -ah, see what I did there?)
     I am particularly happy today, because it is days like today that teach me that I am not handicapped by this mom thing. And though I am not in La La Land and know that there will be days that I will not be able to write a whole lot because of Knight's needs and any of the other things that can make it difficult, I truly feel like that is alright. I know that watching my son grow and develop is just as rewarding, if not more so, than putting words on a page. More so I feel quite excited to accept the challenge of doing what makes me happy while simultaneously engaging with this awesome being that I have been gifted.
     When Matt and I were flying to China, I came across a truly brilliant, insightful, and beautiful passage titled 'On Children'. As I read it, I thought this is so true, and simultaneously believed that they would be incredibly challenging words to live by and to remember. In 2 short months, that challenge is already becoming a reality. One that makes the challenge of writing with a baby on my lap seem pretty easy to tackle. At very least, it is food for thought that is worth sharing. Give it a read!
   

     

     

Coffee, zombies, and a girl's revelations

Connecting my life’s pieces sometimes feels so odd. I don’t always want to look back on who I once was because I feel so very changed from that person. Not that I was awful or anything, just a bit naïve (in a good way). It is funny for me to remember just how excitedly I dreamed about who I would be when I “grew up” always looking forward to the person I would eventually become.. That girl knew that everything would be alright in the future, because she knew that there was a strong head on her shoulders. I was my own comfort. Sometimes the reason I don't want to think about my past is because of that optimistic and always happy little girl... I don't want to let her down. I don't want to let myself down. 

I currently experience waves of love, and well... not so much love for my job. It doesn't always feel balanced. When I get to work at the coffee shop, I could potentially zombie through my day (zombie is being used as a verb-deal with it), and I have in the past...that's sort of how I learned that I don't like feeling like a zombie. So, in my opinion, it is necessary that I do things to prove that I am alive and not a zombie. Thinking about what makes me happy and what I am grateful for helps to keep me grounded. I don't always have the strength of mind to keep it up though, because I have experienced/am experiencing a departure from worry-free childhood and arrival into the confusing land of self-discovery, doubt, curiosity, wisdom/knowledge seeking, and soul searching. I have mind exploding revelations some days, while on others all that I think about is how rude someone was when they ordered their non-fat latte and how unfair it is that people call out from their shifts last minute leaving me to figure it out somehow all on my own (boohoo). A lot of my thoughts are paired with a tall glass of worry (when what I really need to be drinking more of is... water). Sometimes I even worry about how much I worry...ok..

     I would prefer to not have to answer to "so what are you going to do next" as often as I do, but it's sort of an occupational hazard-much like coffee burns and caffeine overdose- because I work at the college that I went to and often see my old professors (sometimes in zombie mode) who want to know if I am continuing, in some way, with my chosen area of study.  Being asked so often about what the next big move is, I have been inclined to think that one over and over, as if I didn't have enough to think about already, to the point where I have lost sleep over the damn question (and I really like sleep, so that's rough). My answer is perhaps not satisfactory to everyone.      I don't really know what the next BIG move is for me, but I am pretty much okay with where I am at present.       I am not perfect. I am not settled. I don't have everything figured out. I don't think many of us do.  AND though, I may not exactly be the same girl I once was and haven't quite grown into who the little girl dreamed I would be, I am still a die-hard optimist and I still believe in myself. I do things that I am passionate about (i.e. writing, blogging, drawing, taking baths, reading, eating, shopping, hanging out with family).

     If you want to shake it up, you must work to undo routine (or more specifically the parts of the routine that are easy to do and ultimately unsatisfying....if that makes sense). With a line out the door full of disgruntled, tired, cranky college students and strung-out professors with one thing in common-a need to get caffeinated, it is up to the people at the register and the espresso bar to get these potentially dangerous individuals their coffee as quickly as possible in order to protect the rest of humanity, because who knows what they are capable of in that state. (Okay, so I know that the real motive is not saving humanity, rather it's to get the rush over and done with). What I have realized is that routine (hi, what can I get started for you, thanks, next, hi what can I get started for you, thanks....) makes it hard not to turn into a zombie, but routine mixed with constant interactions with people who are already in a zombie state of mind makes it a 

million times harder to not turn into a zombie. Because that sort of repetition/automatic approach takes the meaning out of what we are saying and doing. That being said, It is super difficult to be human during a rush at a coffee shop. Think about it. A line made up of mostly strangers and a crew that wants them out of their coffee shop as quickly as possible, so they can clean up the mess that was just made. It can be tricky to remember that You must treat people like humans, Not zombies! We must be careful too because we might not even realize that we are turning, as the change from human to zombie is as subtle and contagious as yawns. (one person zombied, and there's another, and another, uh oh I am zombie-ing now). Our preventative strength for zombie take over is in our ability to stay focused... and that is harder to do than you would think (hey, look a butterfly... what was I blogging about again?) It is our ability to be present in our interactions with people. 

     Whether I am working my dream job or the job that helps me figure out my dreams, I choose to be an optimistic, art indulgent, counsel seeking human being.....not a zombie :)

Dancing, Honesty, and Now

     I don't think that many people know this about me, but I really like to dance. It's not the sort of dancing you would see at a club (that I am certain of). But my dancing suits my heart and spirit. The one person who has actually seen me do my thing is my husband, and though I am ridiculous when I do so, he still says he loves me and he loves my dancing. I don't know how to fully express my thanks to the person who lets me be me without ever needing to feel ashamed but rather encouraging me to never lose touch with my natural self. 

     2012 had ups and downs for me. I felt weak, confused, lost, childish, sad, and all sorts of low feelings. Contrarily, I have had my moments of certainty, transforming growth, strength, happiness, and all sorts of high feelings. I cannot count it as a bad year, since 1) It was the year of the Dragon (my year), 2) I learned a lot from some of the worst times, and 3) I still have a ton of things to be grateful for. 

     I want to share some of my biggest lessons, and in doing so, I want to prepare you for my unashamed honesty.

In my experience, marriage takes a relationship to a more serious level, and serious is a challenge for silly people. I have felt so scared during this first year, that at times running away seemed easier then staying. At first when I was scared, I kept it to myself... I can tell you that is the wrong choice. Then I would go to my closest friends.. maybe better than keeping it inside, but ultimately, I needed to face up to my husband.

My name change was hard to get used to initially. "Cottrell" was a bigger part of my identity than I had realized. It still is and there is no change in name that could separate me from that part of myself, however, it is not what defines me. Beyond my name, I had lost touch with myself. I had to ask myself, "who am I" more times than I care to calculate. I anticipate more identity challenges to come, but I am not scared. When I finally realized that I needed to be open and honest about some things, it became incredibly clear that my happiness was more important than anything else to my husband, including our marriage. His ability to see me as beautiful no matter what is his way of breathing a life-giving breath into my spirit. I have an incredible partner and ally, who deserves honesty and trust (... and the moon if I had the power to throw that in there). I have learned a lot about love from him and have more to learn still. One thing is for sure, it is damn strong. 

Art is incredibly important to me (sort of like dancing). I can't keep myself from drawing, painting, writing, and doing what makes me happy. Excuses to drop the thing that I love and am passionate about are unhealthy. This is a personal challenge. No one that loves you can force you to get back into the habit of your passion, even though they may be fully aware that there is a problem. So this lesson has been to stop making excuses. I work full time, but that does not mean that I do not have time for myself. I might really hate a drawing or a story that I started, but starting is a hundred times more productive than deciding to not start.

Wording is extremely important.  

I prefer fairies and spirit guides, meditation, and Spirit to angels, prayer, and God. 

Guilt arises from an unhealthy relationship with our past. I do not think we remember so that we can let our thoughts linger on our mistakes. Our memory is a tool we should use to learn from and to move onward and upward from, but sometimes it can be a big pest that keeps us from focusing on the present. There would be no now without a then, but that does not change that now is more important than then, because we have power Now. 

     I wish that I were better at closing these sometimes... I do have to say that it is quite difficult to be open and honest in the form of a blog, because there is this slight fear of being judged. However, I have received a lot of positive support from this place and in fact, have missed the whole process. 2013 is off to a really great start for me, and I genuinely hope that it is for everyone. Even if it has not started well, it has started, and if you listen to your heart and follow your intuition (and dance) it will get better. 

Missing seasons

I can feel my eyes getting heavy, sleep is pulling me in... It must be late I think. I pull on my night shirt and plug my phone into the charger. As the screen is illuminated, and I spot the time (9:18pm), I suddenly feel like a grandma.
Matt works earlier than me, so the jaw dropped shocked and sad expression on my face completely confuses him. I try to argue that it is TooOOooOOooOO EARLY FOR BED! He just yawns and cozies up into the blankets. I don't know why, I suddenly feel like I must stay awake longer, and of course wanting to stay awake I suddenly feel sleep's strong and enticing pull stronger by the minute.
I feel stuck in a rut dear reader.... This  has less to do with my inability to make it to 10pm and more to do with time slipping by. It's like. Wake up, walk to work, work, walk home, make/eat dinner, enjoy small amount of couple time, go to bed. Where are all of the grown up adventures I was supposed to have? Okay, I am more of a home body, so maybe adventures aren't what I am missing. But my dosage of doodling, reading, and writing have been lessened.
When I feel this way, I generally pick up a pen or a book and set my self straight. But tonight I'm thinking about Halloween's approach and am looking for something autumn inspired. This time last year I was in Ashland, OR with the trees changing into brilliant Fall colors. It was easy to get inspired. I walk to work everyday and it's nice, but the beauty of my walk just doesn't measure up to the small town beauty I had enjoyed up North. Sometimes I really wish I had stuck it out there. That feeling has me wanting to take a trip to visit my cousin Avril (a truly remarkable and free-spirited woman). Maybe what I really miss is my girl time with her. Staying up late and talking about life experiences and lessons.
I made it past 10pm tonight, but now the pillow is calling me in. I will look for my Fall inspiration tomorrow even if I have to use Pinterest to find it! I am going to go join my husband now, because he's making sleep look super appealing (like a cat on a pile of freshly dried laundry :> )

The Answer is....

     I don't know why the simple act of choosing and opening a fortune cookie carries such a big and important feeling for me. I like tarot, the horoscope, and fortune cookies, because no matter what (whether it is perfectly accurate or completely off) you can learn from them. I like to think of these things as personal messages from the universe. By chance you chose this card, were born on this day, picked that cookie, and rather than scoff at the message that has been sent to me, I take it.
For the most part, all of these things are positive and provide some sort of direction. They often present me with a new way to look at myself, a new area to improve, something that makes me special (please don't add Ed. to that).
     I often feel like I am in the wrong time or space (like I was meant to be an archer with an incredible knowledge of the flora and fauna in some magical woodland living in a cottage with my husband and children with a pet goat and a dog too, of course), and these little signs send the message that I am exactly where I belong (in the ridiculously hot San Fernando Valley with my husband-no kids, no dogs, and no goats quite yet- in a small but sweet and cozy apartment with close to zero skills in archery and ever growing supply of arts and crafts). Ultimately I try to see the positive, though admittedly this can be difficult (come on, I have close to zero skills in archery and I will probably never own a goat). The fortune cookie that I got while I was at Chi's was a particularly happy and uplifting message. Of course, now that I am desperately searching for the fortune it is missing in action. That is fine (I choose to not see that as a negative message).
     Since I could not find the one that I was searching for, I decided to go through all of the one's that Matt and       I have collected over the past couple years. I can remember some specifically and find some amusing. I know that Matt got this one- You have a good head for matters of money- and I got this one-The project you have in mind will soon gain momentum. If you only you knew how out of place that money one would have been for me and how absolutely perfect it was for my hubby. I kept the project one in the underside of my cellphone case for over a year, and rediscovered it this week. I immediately wanted to start a new project.
     I wonder how often people feel this same sensation. Like the universe is actually sharing something with you. Presenting us with a bit of guidance, like a compass. Divination offered in the form of a cookie was a pretty brilliant idea. Whether or not you dedicate any thought to a fortune cookie, I hope that everyone enjoys these little trifles. Here are a few that are more universal (actually not from cookies but from tea tabs).

                                   Your life is based on the capacity of energy in you, not outside of you.

                 You will feel fulfilled when you do the impossible for someone else. 
   
   True understanding is found through compassion. 
                                                             
                                       We are here to love each other, serve each other and uplift each other.

Strength does not lie in what you have.It lies in what you can give.
                          
                        When the ego is lost, limit is lost. You become infinite, kind, beautiful. 

Just some food for thought :) Hopefully you smiled a little bit. 

1 bed, 1 bath, and a balcony :)

I am supposed to be searching for a dresser on Craigslist, but like a corny license plate cover... I'd rather be writing.
Matt and I moved out of my parents casa this week. It's pretty exciting, and, though we lived away from home while we were in Oregon, this is the first time we are out on our own. It feels pretty amazing... We finally get to put all of our wedding gifts to use (even more amazing). Everyone who has moved before knows that it can be stressful, time consuming, frustrating, sweaty, and even painful at times (all that glamorous stuff). Getting to see it all laid out- no boxes or junk left- is so rewarding though.
Now I get to do all the things that I have wanted to in my place:
Decorate to my taste (with husband's approval- not difficult to attain)
Keep the AC on while Matt's away
Not worry about people eating all of the food I put in the pantry within the day of purchase
Walk around in my undies :)
Walk to and from work (this is a shorter distance than from my parent's place, which ultimately means a more realistic commitment)
Cook in my own kitchen (this means diet control...I hope)
Play my own music (including French music without my father complaining in the background)
and... various other things

It's a one bedroom, one bathroom apartment with a balcony-the balcony is completely covered in dust and needs cleaning before any real use, and for our first place it's perfect. Why didn't we decide to do this sooner?!? It's too bad that we had to move in during this heat wave though. We quickly realized that the AC (located in the living/dining area) does not reach our bedroom and invested in a fan so that sleeping could be possible.


Above I mentioned that I need to search for a dresser on Craigslist. I just want to say that our living room is pretty much a Craigslist masterpiece. So before you go spend hundreds of dollars on a new item at some furniture store, give it a shot. It is quite possible to find some awesome quality deals on there and is well worth the search when you come across a unique piece that screams "I want to be in your home". The people that we have picked things up from have been incredibly nice and interesting. (The people that we got our light fixtures from were getting ready to move to Germany, and they were so sweet. The women who sold us our coffee table were so living in a cool part of North Hollywood that I had never seen before and one of them was from Paris. I had the chance to practice my French with her.) So on top of a good deal, you can have the  pleasure of helping out some very cool people by giving their old furniture a good home (and some quick cash too).
Now that it has almost been a week, who's coming over? Bring a bottle of wine, would you? I could use a glass :)

     The month of July has gone by in a flash with the ending of a visit with family in Oregon, work, an opportune job interview, my birthday, a weekend trip to Solvang, studying my French, and a Cottrell family get together just yesterday (they tend to be as draining as they are fun), I have had a lot to do. Je suis tres occupe. The old cliche 'time flies when you're having fun' comes to mind, and right now that feels bittersweet.
     I am 24, which feels pretty much the same as 23 (it just sounds older). I still get carded when I order a drink, I still wonder what I am going to do when I grow up, and I am still battling with acne (what the eff?!?!) It's the year of the Dragon, which happens to be my birth year (woot woot), and so far there's been no real turbulence... I was invited by United Airlines to fly to Houston, TX (the flight was paid for) to interview for a flight attendant position, and, though I did not get the job, the experience was enriching. Matt and I have been together for a really long time, and I realize that I have had very few independent adult experiences. That is what the interview really was for me. I really enjoyed my day of travel, people watching, and the chance to meet and speak with interesting strangers. Not getting the job is a little bit of a bummer, but I think that it was important for me to go for it.
     I really appreciate my current job right now actually. The summer has been slower than the usual, and I have been trying to absorb every peaceful moment knowing that the Fall semester is approaching. I have been working on my coffee art and getting to know some of our summer regulars. I see a lot of my old college professors, and it makes me want to go back to school (though I know it wouldn't be a walk in the park). It has been almost a month since I last blogged, but I have been writing a lot and picking up my French studies again. I have no idea where I am going, but I don't feel like that is such a bad thing. I hope everyday older is a day wiser.. and stronger. Ultimately, life is good even though it is one confusing and challenging adventure.